Well, it’s almost time for the Oscars. I’d like to start off by saying that I really do love movies, and I love loving movies. It’s especially nice when I can love movies with the people I love and we can clutch at our chests and well up with tears and shit like that.
I’m not the kind of person to be like “this movie was popular, therefore I must hate it.”
That being said, I probably hate a lot of your favourite movies. I’d really love it if I didn’t hate them, but oh, I just hate them so much.
Which brings me to today’s topic. “Her.” I kept hearing about this movie and assumed from the poster that “Her” was definitely somebody Joaquin Phoenix had murdered. My friend and I decided we were going to see it without watching any trailers or anything. He kept the promise, I broke after watching a parody trailer starring Jonah Hill.
Watching the real trailer, I didn’t know how to feel. As a lover of quirky, twee, and melancholy love stories, it seemed perfect for me. But there was something about it that just felt off, like when I bought that “Hobo bag” from the GAP.
I went into the movie really, really wanting to like it. And then I just didn’t. My friend and I discussed it after and I acted like I kind of liked it, but that was more because I was still trying really hard to convince myself that I did, and we were in a McDonalds so I was feeling emotionally fragile.
Then I went home, waited for everyone to go to sleep, and looked for negative reviews online. I couldn’t find one, but I’ve met the people who don’t like Her. I’ve met them fast and dirty on lunch breaks in corner booths, and we’ve talked in hushed tones, and I don’t think we deserve to feel ashamed anymore.
If you haven’t seen the film yet, this entry ends with a delightful GIF. If you have, keep reading and now you just won’t like me I guess.
Before I launch into this list-based review on my super important blog that everyone reads, I’d like to acknowledge that I am probably wrong about this movie, I guess?
I don’t think you should hate it because I did. I just want to rep my homies.
So here goes.
This list of problems with Her is going to make you hate Me.
Ok so this isn’t super duper far into the future. The technology is pretty advanced, but since in my lifetime I’ve gone from listening to records to being able to dim the lights with my phone, I’ll say that Her could have taken place within the next 10 or 20 years. People are still pretty normal. Some of them have families and significant others, some of them don’t, friends set each other up on dates, and nobody makes eye contact on the subway.
For a movie that is supposed to be about how lonely someone is, we don’t really spend much time comparing him to other characters. It’s the world according to Theo the creepy high pants moustache man, and he’s sad I guess?
I couldn’t see much different between Theo’s world and mine, yet there are things going down that I’m surprised no one takes issue with. Theo works for beautifulhandwrittenletters.com, a service where he learns everything about you and writes heartfelt letters to your loved ones, in your own handwriting.
Sure, my generation has issues with intimacy as we figure out technology, but I’m pretty sure there are people who would be mad as hell about this company. Does he get hate mail? Is this a secret service for lazy people? If it’s all done on the down low, where does he get off publishing his best letters at the end of the movie? Is there no public outcry about beautifulhandwrittenletters.com? Does anyone- ANYONE but me notice how shitty that first letter he writes is? Probably not, because 20 years from now letter writers are MILLIONAIRES.
He lives in a sexy skyloft (I have no idea what a skyloft actually is, it just sounds fancy) and is the kind of person who can see a commercial for a (presumably expensive but who the hell cares) operating system one minute and pick it up the next. I thought the commercial was kind of cheesey myself, but I guess it was compelling enough to drop a few hundred bucks in the middle of a mall on impulse.
I guess they establish that this guy does enjoy spending his money on games, because his already ballin’ apartment is decked the fuck out. His friend/obvious love interest turns out to be a game designer, which I guess could be how he got his hands on some of that shit, but who gives a fuck about her anyway, which brings me to my next point.
2. The Human Women.
The only 3 dimensional female character in this movie is Samantha the robut, who Theo accepts pretty readily. He maybe has one moment of “uh… dafuq?” before he’s like “sure, I’m in love with a robut, nbd.”
Amy Adams plays a basically nice lady. I guess Theo never considered her before because she’s living with some dude, but the moment we meet the dude he’s all “Hey Theo, that smoothie you’re drinking is wrong because mlah mlah mlah” and we go “oh, ok, so they’re going to break up in 20 minutes. Crisis averted.” Good thing we didn’t have conflict in this movie.
Theo’s marriage takes a page out of the Silver Linings Playbook and is basically glossed over. From what I can gather, they grew up together even though she looks about 14 years old, so he was her perverted teacher I guess? They were really in love and then her hair got messy and she started sighing a lot, so they broke up. It was sad. Theo is sad. All the ladies he meets don’t want to fuck him the way he wants to be fucked, so he’s sad and he falls in love with a robut.
You’d think maybe Theo has trouble relating to folks, or that he might be socially kind of awkward. But people basically like him. Everyone wants to be his friend, and he does really well on a date with Olivia Wilde, but he pushes them away because feelings. So he’s a charismatic dude with an amazing apartment, friends, and he could be having sex on the regular with a stone cold fox who makes him laugh, but he chooses not to because… because of the sighing lady I guess?
3. Falling in love with your computer isn’t weird enough.
The only people who think Theo’s relationship with Samantha is odd are:
1. The sighing lady, his ex wife, who we spend about 5 minutes with. She comes into the story pretty late, so any effect she would have had is diminished because all the other people in Theo’s life have been like “Way to bone your computer, dude. Good on ya.”
2. A small child who laughs in his face. Hey small child, there should be a lot of other characters like you, and much earlier.
Because you know what I need as an audience member? Someone who voices my questions and concerns. Kinda like I’m relating to them.
Again. Are people upset about this? Are there the people who love the O.S systems and the people who protest the idea? The first person- THE FIRST PERSON he talks to about Samantha is all “cool, me too!” Crisis averted, once again. Being in love with a robut is way cool and anyone who thinks otherwise is an uptight bitch who we’ll only spend 5 minutes with or an inconsequential small child.
4. The other potential movies within this movie.
-beautifulhandwrittenletters.com. I would watch an entire film about that. I feel like people with that job live really interesting lives. Instead, the only co-worker we meet is his bland but well meaning boss, who mentions being lonely one minute then has a super convenient girlfriend in the next scene. THE NEXT SCENE.
Cool. It’s super easy to meet people in the future. Good thing, otherwise they may start falling in love with robuts.
-the surrogate. At one point, some lady sticks a webcam to her face, her FACE, and poses as Samantha the robut’s body. Free of charge, because she just likes making people happy. What? How- What? Why is the sad man with the moustache the main character in this movie? Sexy lady who voluntarily has sex with men in love with robuts is a much, much more compelling film. I’ve seen shitty guys with nice guy syndrome and stupid pants before. I’ve never seen that other thing.
-that company who invented this system. People are falling in love with our operating systems. Neat, I guess? Oh fuck, they just became super intelligent, and they have free will, so they’ve fucked off to the far reaches of cyberspace and now they don’t exist anymore. People are heartbroken and we sold them a faulty product. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. We’d make a really interesting movie right now.
5. Fuck this guy.
Seriously, look at his fucking face. I hate him, and I don’t think he deserves to find love with anyone, because he has a stupid fucking face. Fuck you fuck you fuck you, safety pinned asshole.
…Really, though. For me to want to go on a journey with somebody, I’m cool with them being a dink, but I’d like to know why. I think I’m supposed to feel sorry for Theo, and find him all beautifully broken and shit, but as is I just hate him and his fucking face, because he has no real problems at all, really. He just likes to be sad, and I know people like that, and I’d never want to watch a movie about them.
So there you have it. I’m really glad you liked this movie so god damned much, I really am. I’d love to love it. But as is, I just thought it was a poopy bum smell poop faced ca-ca, and I know that’s a harsh thing to say, but it’s my blog.
COME AT ME, JONZE!