“How are you going to respond to it?”
A lot of people who read my blog have been wondering how I’m going to deal with the recent hate comment I received, which I deleted when it inspired a follow-up from a girl I used to know in junior high, who I have barely spoken to and only seen in passing for the past decade or so.
I can’t be upset about this kind of thing because I used to delight in mocking people on the internet. It was a thrill to look people up and find ways to inflate my already sizable ego. Gossip is a fun hobby, addictive, and the more you do it, the less high you get from it, so you need to become more mean spirited to get that rush back.
I have been working hard on an internal make-over in the sense that I’ve begun to admire people for things I once made fun of them for, and I’ve prioritized the people in my life not by how hip or hot they are, but by what they bring to my life. I am slowly learning to be affectionate with these people, to be generous and let them know how I feel about them. Through this life-edit, I’ve found that I see the world through kinder eyes.
What’s interesting is that the eyes you use to view others are the same you use to view yourself, but I digress.
What I find interesting about those who criticize me is that it is usually for things that I completely agree with and write about on a regular basis. This blog is a scratch-pad for ideas, some that I abandon with as much passion as I dreamed them up with. I don’t consider it important, but a lot of my friends tell me they like to read it either on the way to work, before bed, or when they need to make a sizable bowel movement. I’ve never aspired to much more than that, and a chance to work on my writing skills.
I contradict myself often, and there is a lot I still wish to accomplish. I do have trouble maintaining balance a lot of the time; physically, mentally, and spiritually. There are many things I do privately to help with this, though it is a process and always will be.
I am touched that there is an entire group of people floating around out there who worry so much about my mental health, and I am also impressed that they took the time to diagnose me. That being said, I hope they will be comforted by the fact that I am not, in fact, bi-polar. I do have loved ones who struggle with this very disorder, who have gone through hell to find medication, therapy, and a social group that works for them. I would never want to belittle anyone who has gone through such a thing, but really, thank you for your concern.
These kind souls also spend a lot of time thinking about how I never finish what I start. I did worry about this a lot for a long time, but then I got busy with freelance writing work, using thousands of dollars in grant money to film a television pilot, those comedy shows I keep getting asked to do, my popular web-zine, and the plays I’ve written and had produced.
I got so busy with these things, in fact, that I didn’t have time to buy that house or stop being so fat. I’m going to get right on that, though, as soon as I start giving a fuck.
So, there is my official statement. The funny thing here is that I’ve already told you what’s “wrong” with me: I’m a god damned narcissist. All press is good press and I truly get off on any attention I get, so thanks for the memories.